My father died when I was one year old. My mother remarried when I was four. My stepfather was a good provider for our basic needs, but he was not an affectionate person and never provided emotional support. My stepfather and mother had been married before she married my dad, but he had left. The biggest unspoken fear in our home was that one day he might leave again. I lived with that fear and instability as a young child. Needless to say, I had many insecurities.
Growing up I struggled with who I was. I was very different from my other siblings. I longed to know my real father--my biological father. What was he like? Was I like him? I had heard many different stories about him. Most were good but not all. I had always been told that he was in Heaven with Jesus. (Later in life my grandmother gave me a letter that he had written to her years before giving her his testimony of salvation. I praise God that it was true!)
At some point in my childhood I made a connection. If my "real" father was important enough that Jesus wanted him to come and live with him, then I must be special too. I used to look into the heavens, especially at night, and "see" heaven. I could see God, Jesus and my dad and they were all watching over me. They were protecting me. This eased my fears and helped me to feel secure. I remember closing my eyes, running to my father (God), and getting big hugs and affirmation from Him. I imagined crawling up on His lap. I could feel Him wrap his arms around me. I knew things would be okay.
I believe that it was during this time that the Psalm 68:5 became very real to me. Although I did not learn this scripture much later, it's truth in my life was very evident. God is a father to the fatherless and husband to the widow. God was my father. He was the Provider of the needs that I did not have met by my stepfather. He was a part of me. I was His child. Special. Chosen. God chose my real father. Therefore, I felt He chose me too.
As an adult, God is still my Abba Father. He is there when I need Him. He is there when I cry out. Lately my heart has been burdened. There have not been any real significant traumatic events in my life. I am burdened for the ones I see making wrong choices, fearful as my daughter is about to move off to college, hurt for others who are hurting.
I close my eyes. The tears stream down my face. I see Him sitting there. He is waiting for me, just as He was so many years ago. His arms are outstretched. I run to Him. I sit on His lap and bury my face. I sob and words don't come. I feel His arms wrap around me. Once again, I am safe. I am secure. I am resting in His arms. I am with my Abba Father.
But you, O LORD, are a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of my head. Psalm 3:3
