Not Good Enough

As I mentioned in my previous post, I was 10 years old when I realized that I didn't want to go to hell. I call that my "fire insurance" experience. For the next 13 years, I spent my life trying to be "good."

Being the middle "girl" and having so many siblings in a mixed family, I quickly found my "niche" as being the good child. At a very early age I became an over-achiever, especially in school. My elementary school held a graduation ceremony for all sixth graders before they entered middle school. At this ceremony, the graduating students were recognized with various awards. I made it my goal to receive as many awards as I could. I was honored for winning two writing essays from the Daughter's of American Revolution , placing in an Osali poetry contest, as well as many, many others. I remember my name being called so much that there were sighs (and eye rolls) from parents and other students in the audience. Regardless, I was so proud of myself. I still have the scrapbook of awards today! (Can you say...geek???)

Entering middle school I soon realized that it was not so cool to be such an academic achiever. As with all adolescent kids, middle school was a very awkward time for me. I was very consumed with what other people thought of me and I continued doing everything that I could to be "good". By high school I had succeeded with building my reputation of "the good girl". I worked very hard for that reputation and I honestly wanted to be good. I did not want to disappoint anyone. My parents, friends, teachers or God.

However, my senior year of high school I decided that "being good" was just not working out for me. I was tired of being known as "good". While my group of friends were popular, dating, etc., I was known as "the nice girl". I was actually voted "Most Courteous" by my senior class. Not best looking, wittiest, best dressed...but just nice. It was then that I made a decision that I needed to do something. My parents were very strict and I was not allowed to do many of the things that my friends were doing. However, I found rebellion in other ways.

After graduation I felt I had rebelled against everything that I had believed and I had grown far away from God. A few months after graduation I began dating my husband and we married a few years later. We had started attending church when while were dating and once again, I began the same relationship with God--I continued on the path of trying to do "good."

We were very active in church and I even taught Sunday School, Children's Church and helped with Vacation Bible School. However, I knew in my heart that something was wrong and missing. The more good things that I did, the worse that I felt. Our pastor's wife had given her testimony time after time of how she thought she was saved at a younger age, only to realize as a pastor's wife she was not.

I talked to God about this a lot. I knew I had gone down an aisle in church not wanting to go to hell, was baptized and felt or hoped that was enough. I had spent all of my life, with the exception of my senior year, pleasing others and trying to do and be "good" and surely that was enough. I spent months struggling and wrestling with God. I could not understand why I was feeling lost. I also did not want to share this with anyone because I was worried about what others would say.

Finally, one September morning sitting in church, I went forward. I finally got it! Christainity is not just knowing that there is a Christ. It is not a religion. It is not what I could do for God or how good I could be to obtain a place in heaven. It was (and is) about a relationship. It is about what Christ did for me and I realized that there was nothing I could do to earn salvation, but it is a gift from God. I simply am just not good enough. No matter how hard I tried, how many awards I won, or what offices I held in the church.

I am not perfect and everyone who knows me knows that. However, I am grateful that I am a child of God and that He loves "ME" for the real me. I honestly believe that there are many people who are like me. Trying to serve and do good things so others will see how worthy they are and what a good "Christian" they are. However, they have missed the point and they do not have a relationship with the Lord at all. I would encourage them to search it out in earnest prayer and then surrender. The Lord will definitely show you and give you peace in knowing that you are forever His.

This, was and is, the greatest decision that I have ever made!